I generally feel like I don’t know how to express myself unless I’m happy about something, because in my house I grew up basically not allowed to be upset or mad because that wasn’t right and how dare I have feelings other then happiness when my parents tried to provide the best they could for me. I can’t really talk about how I feel either because it just feels like a general clusterfuck that’s too big to understand, and it scares me. I’ve had more than one meltdown because of all this but according to my parents nothing is wrong me, everything is fine. I’ve been on the point of begging lately that I want to see a therapist but it’s been brushed under the carpet as usual because why should I the only non fuck up in my family who made great grades in school and at one point had been accepted into a great college be a mental fuck up, why and how should they deal with that, I realize that therapists cost money but I found one in our insurance and I know I can save my money from work for sessions but like everything else I was given false hope that they’d try to take care of it. Maybe I should’ve moved out while I was given the chance, my greatest fear is not being able to fully live my life and enjoy everything that I want to due to my anxiety, panic attacks and just general neediness that my parents nurtured. I have an independent soul and I feel like they know that, that’s why they’ve suppressed it, even now mother’s hanging over my shoulder wondering what I’m doing. Life just feels so claustrophobic at times, I honestly don’t know what to do.